![]() I’m just sad that this didn’t get a bigger box office and become better known. As for whether or not I recommend it, eh, it isn’t really funny enough to be a good bad movie and it certainly isn’t worth seeing in theatres, not that you’ll be able to in a day or two. It sounds like I’m being very negative here but Arctic Dogs isn’t even close to the worst dog movie I’ve seen. Maybe Don’t Pay Ten Million Dollars To See This In Theatre. Having dreams, goals, and ambitions will only cause you suffering so how about don’t have them? Swifty wanted to pull sleds and help people but he ends up running an office and overseeing others pull sleds, which is much better because middle management is way cooler than doing cool things that you enjoy and could help people. ![]() As the film points out though, all of these people are wrong for doing this. Multiple characters have dreams and goals of rising above their station, of becoming great and well known and helping people. One final weird thing is the odd message this movie has. James Franco probably didn’t harass anyone on set? Okay, that’s all I got. And, uh, I agree that fracking is bad and global warming is real, so I guess that message is okay if terribly unsubtle and not great for a kids movie. He wasn’t just a cameo either, he was in a fair chunk of the film. I liked John Cleese, he didn’t care and was just trying to chew scenery and I appreciate that. Oh god, I guess I should talk about the positives. Let’s Be Fair And Very Briefly Discuss The Positives. When they arrive at one of the walrus’ test sites they smell the gas and Swifty responds, “That smells like the Earth took a poopy.” The next time you see a Marvel thing with Jeremy Renner, please imagine him saying that line. ![]() Gas with a complex scientific name that they abbreviate to B.A.D. It is explained to Swifty by a pair of French Otters in La Resistance that the walrus is planning to use a giant drill to extract gas from the Earth. It is about a team of plucky animals who stop a gas tycoon walrus who wants to destroy everything through fracking just because he’s a dick. His plan is, and I am not joking, to destroy the town that everyone lives in, and also the world, by exacerbating global warming through fracking. Then we learn what the villainous walrus’ plan is. How is it an environmentalist tract? Global warming was mentioned a few times, I didn’t think too much of it but it seemed weird to me. But lo! The gods of dog movies have smiled upon me! For Arctic Dogs is not just a generic Balto ripoff, no it is so much more! It is secretly an in your face environmentalist tract, and when I learned that I almost squealed in delight. The premise is ao generic and coated in layers of “Just Be Yourself!” That I had no idea how to make it interesting or funny. When I was at this point I was really worried about what I would even write in this review. I’ll be honest with you, this is about 30 minutes of the movie. But after delivering a package from his childhood friend, Genius Inventor Jade, to a mysterious walrus, who is somehow voiced by John Cleese, the sled dogs disappear and Swifty gets his chance to become the sled dog he always wanted! But is the fame what he really wanted? As an adult, Swifty tries to join this team but he can’t because he’s a fox and only big dogs can be sled dogs! Oh no! So Swifty has to work as a boring package sorter in a sequence that no child would find funny and every adult would find hits too close to home. Our film begins with our hero Swifty the arctic fox, voiced by Jeremy Renner, as a child who admires the heroic sled dogs who pull sleds to deliver goods and mail and then return to be worshipped by all the children. ![]() The Series of Things That Happen In Lieu Of A Plot. After watching the whole movie, in an empty theater, I might add, I have to say that their reactions were rather prescient, Arctic Dogs is mostly nothing. No one could muster a reaction to the absurd generic mess before us. I have never heard a quieter theater in my entire life. Then the trailer for Arctic Dogs came on. I was watching trailers before The Addams Family and a couple came on for upcoming animated films, which most people laughed at. Before we get into Arctic Dogs let me tell you about my only look into what the general public thought about it pre-release. ![]()
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